DA RE-RUN-RUN-RUN, DA RE-RUN-RUN Due to the fact that Jerky had to run away early today, he wasn't able to completely finish the Daily Dirt SCANDAL content on time. so, in place of the usual celebrity crap, we present a Daily Dirt Classic, the Jerky LeBoeuf editorial which generated the most massive amount of hate-mail in our publication's storied history! So sit back, relax, and prepare to be pissed off as Jerky makes... THE CASE AGAINST THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! (originally published May 10, 1999) Ahhh... the Congress. For sheer contempt of America's Constitution, these clowns make the conservative assholes on the Supreme Court seem almost tolerable. I am referring, of course, to the recent historic vote in the House of Representatives regarding the display of religious icons in public places. Thanks to the recent Columbine High School killings in Denver, your Congress approved constitutional alterations which will enable individual states to FORCE schools and other government institutions (such as court-rooms and police stations) to display the Decalogue, more comonly known as the Ten Commandments. Of this decision, the Washington Post wrote: "Not since the 1950s, when Congress added the words 'under God' to the Pledge of Allegiance, have lawmakers tried to insert religious symbols so directly into the public square." There are other implications to this decision, but for today, let's concentrate on the Decalogue. Why did these bozo pukes have to make changes to the Constitution in order to allow religious teachers, judges and cops inflict their beliefs on others? Well, because our fore-fathers, the mostly non-christian giants who wrote the Constitution, could see into the future. They could see that, at some point in our nation's history, mentally atrophied, sexually dysfunctional religious FREAKS might want to turn the USA into a theocracy, so they wrote specific guarantees against this. It's called the First Amendment, and it specifically delineates the separation of Church and State. Today's congressional clowns couldn't fidget their way around the work of giants, so now they're doing the only thing they know how... tearing apart the Constitution and wiping their fat, slimy asses with the shreds. Pat Robertson squirmed with delight when he heard the news, as did Janet Parshall and James Dobson, two more extremists who would like nothing better than to see us return to the times of biblical rule of law. Religious advocates and conservative folks are saying: "So what? What's wrong with saying Thou Shalt Not Kill or Steal? The Ten Commandments are just a common sense guide for living!" This, of course, is total bullshit. Some Commandments are very specific to Christianity, while others are downright un-American! Let's go over them one by one... NEW ACTION MOSES! NOW WITH KUNG-FU GRIP! The First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods before me! See? Right away, we got a big, big problem. America is chock full of people with other religions - Muslim, Hindu, Bhuddist, Taoist, Wiccan - some of them worship different Gods, some of them worship NO God. Does this Commandment belong in a court-house? Of course it doesn't. The Second Commandment - Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth! Now there's a reasonable, level-headed, common-sense rule for living! No statues, because they might lead to dancing, which leads to... you know... The Third Commandment - Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Goddammit, this one just pisses me off! This Commandment stands in direct violation of the First Amendment, which guarantees Americans' freedom of speech. And do you know what the Bible (in its infinite wisdom) says should happen to people who break this Commandment? "And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death." (Leviticus 24:16). How un-American! The Fourth Commandment - Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates. Yer old pal Jerky wants to know why religious conservatives consider such an arbitrary, obviously religion-specific regulation as being fit to be put on display in government offices and law enforcement facilities, many of which (hospitals, cop shops) are open all week long, 24/7... The Fifth Commandment - Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. So if my daddy were Adolph Hitler, and I slapped him down when I found out about that whole Holocaust thing, then I should be put to death? In what way is this common sense? In what way is a person's relationship with their parents the government's business? The Sixth Commandment - Thou shalt not kill. Finally we get to a safe one, right? Wrong. For instance, most people are all for allowing cops to carry guns, and allowing them to use deadly force to apprehend dangerous, violent offenders. Most Americans are also pro-death penalty in cases where the crime is especially horrendous and where guilt is established with absolute certainty. Most people advocate the maintenence of our armed forces, who should be allowed to kill invading soldiers, if need be. Most people believe in an individual's right to defend oneself against aggression up to and including the use of deadly force against one's attacker. A great many people aslo believe that, should we ever face a painful, crippling illness, we should be allowed to choose our time of dying, and, if we are unable to do it ourselves, that we should be able to enlist the aide of another in 'killing' ourselves. And, finally, the majority of Americans advocate the availability of abortions, so that dangerous or unwanted pregnancies need not be carried to term against the will of the mother. The Seventh Commandment - Thou shalt not commit adultery. Jerky ain't even gonna dignify this one with a response... The Eight Commandment - Thou shall not steal. The first reasonable Commandment... and it's number eight! We're almost done, here! The Ninth Commandment - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. This one is commonly misinterpreted as "Thou Shalt Not Lie," which wouldn't be reasonable (It would make police under-cover work impossible, for one thing!). Taken literally, however, this Commandment simply sez you shouldn't tell lies about other people. Don't say you saw this dude stabbing that dude if you didn't see this dude stabbing that dude... pretty simple, and the only judicially relevant Commandment. The Tenth Commandment - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. What? But coveting is the basis of CAPITALISM, baby! And capitalism is the engine that keeps America humming along. Therefore, this Commandment is the ultimate un-American statement! THE END! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 10 On this day in the year 1990, leather-clad "comedian" Andrew Dice Clay goes on the Arsenio Hall Show and cries like a little bitch about how people don't "get" his "act" as an "artist." On this day in 1985, after a mere three months of sticking to their guns, the Coca-Cola Company announces they will be bringing back Coca-Cola Classic, in what many take to be a full-blown admission that the decision to change the Coca-Cola recipe - sparking a nationwide Coca-cola hoarding crisis - was sheer idiocy, regardless of what they paid Bill Cosby to say about it on the TV. New Coke, which was sold alongside Coca-Cola Classic for a while, was soon euthanized without fanfare... or hoarding. On this day in 1989, one of the most familiar voices in the world - dozens of them, actually - is silenced when Warner Bros. cartoon veteran Mel Blanc dies at the age of 81. The next day, in the trade paper Variety, some true gentleman at Warner Bros. takes out a two-page/one-word tribute/eulogy for their old friend, an image which to this very day is capable of turning yer old pal Jerky into a blubbering, snot-bubble-popping wreck. I don't know why... it just gets me every time. *CHOKE* Aw, fuck... here I go again... Somebody get me a fuckin' tissue, please...

THEY SAID IT! "A few years ago an American President was put through the 18th century ordeal of impeachment, a vast, expensively-staged comic opera of white manes waving and grave baritones intoning, over a dribble on a dress and the lie he told to save himself embarrassment. Today we have a President who has hurled the world into two dirty, pointless wars after what undoubtedly qualifies as the longest sequence of public lies ever uttered in a free society, and yet in his homeland he remains popular and is collecting enough campaign cash to rival the Swiss bank balances of the Russian Mafia." - Believe it or not, this essay by John Chuckman gets even better. *** *** *** "You'd hear an Ouch!, followed shortly after by Oh, but it feels so good." - The neighbor of a naked Japanese man arrested for masturbating with a knife (in his wanking-hand!) while standing in a police station (where he'd gone to complain that he'd been unjustly turfed from a local S-and-M club) knew there was something fishy about the guy. Click here to read the HEADLINE OF THE YEAR!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal TGB... Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" she asks. "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking lovestruck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name" "I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other..." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Etherman for sending in today's second joke. Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Mana Ram Baloch should be thrown in jail for sending in this turd of a joke. There was a cow milching competition among Indian,Pakistani and Banladeshi. A Srilankan was the judge cum organiger of this uique competition.He announced that man who will milch maximum milk from given cow( within 5 minutes) will be awarded and he will be declared the most efficient cow milcher. Srilankan showed three cow shades and gave 5 litres pots to each-an indian, a pakistani and a bangladedhi and said, `you all go and milch the cow and show the milk`. After 5 minutes all come back with milk pots in their hands and stood in the line before the Judge and started to show the milk one by one. First, Indian showed the milk and he could milch 5 liters of milk in 5 minutes and he stood first. Next was Banladeshi, and he could milch 4 liters milk in five minutes .- he stoon second Pakistani could milch only 1 liter , and was askes by the Judge that why he could milch so less in five minutes? Reply was: The animal I did milch was a bull !!!!!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I'm seeing a girl who I really love, and we've been seeing each other for a while. She's the most amazing person I've ever met, and she loves me. The problem? She can't stand the idea of commitment. I mean, she says we're "just friends" and then the next minute we're fucking on the couch. It's getting really irksome. I mean I should love this situation, all the bonuses of a relationship, none of the problems, right? but for some reason it really gets to me. Maybe I can't stand the idea of sharing this girl with anyone else. Anyway, if you could gimme your thoughts that would be great. Signed: TC Dear TC; It sucks when there's a lack of equilibrium between one lover's expectations and the other's, but hey… that's life. She sees you as a fine, reliable play pal who she can call up whenever she gets an itchy pussy. You see her as someone you'd like to bring home to meet Mom one day. To quote Kipling (in a context better left untouched in this forum): "…and never the twain shall meet." Unless you can resign yourself to the fact that great sex doesn't HAVE to be a gateway towards matrimonial bliss, I think you'd be better off just getting her out of your life. Otherwise, you may wind up stalking her and shooting the President just to win her over or some other crazy shit like that. But hey! Look at the bright side: you may not have found your soul mate, but at least you know you don't suck in the sack! Cheers: Yer old pal Jerky!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: QUIT WHINING, BITCHES! Care of: Tim Milbaugh Jerky, First of all, America is not now and has never been a Democracy. The country was founded on democratic principles true, but our government is a Representative Democracy better known as a Republic. As in "I pledge alliegance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands". If we were a true democracy we would not have a congress (elected to vote on our behalf) taking care of the nation's business, but instead have everybody would have go to the polls on what would have to be a daily basis to decide every issue. Looking at the miserable turnout we have for elections now, how well do you think a true democracy would work today? As for the Carlyle Group, They take very big financial risks and reap very big profits. In other words they gamble successfully. If you don't like that they use their money to stack the game in their favor there is only one thing you can do about it that will really matter, VOTE. Thats right, vote. You think your congressman is unduly influenced by the Carlyle Group, vote him/her out. But that takes us back to the polls (that over 50% of the people who are eligible to vote can't seem to make it to). I guess my bottom line is this: You can pass that Carlyle Documentary around the whole country till literally "everyone" has seen it, and it will change nothing (I'll venture a great number won't even bother to look at, they'll just take your word for it). Sure, people will be "outraged" and "Incensed" or whatever. And people will bitch, and they'll moan. And the people who will bitch and moan the loudest are the same people who never seem to make it to the polls to vote. And they will fail to vote in the next election and the next and the next, etc... To all of those people I say this: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE THE ASS REAMING YOU GOT COMING, YOU EARNED IT SO ENJOY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN. IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY! LEAVE THE COMPLAINING TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GOT OFF THE DAMN BARSTOOL AND VOTED. Have a nice day TimmyTodd [Tell the truth... You didn't really watch the documentary in question, did you? At least, not all the way through? Because if you had, and the above was your actual, reasoned reaction to the implication - that private individuals in a position to affect world events steered us towards two mass-murderous wars-without-justification to a) stuff their coffers with gold and b) exert their will to power over us all - then more of us have been brainwashed beyond redemption than yer old pal Jerky had thought possible in even his most paranoid imaginings. - Jerky]

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