AGE OF MIRACLES As far as omens go, it was inauspicious and somewhat cliché, while no doubt spectacular for those who were there to see it. It was on Thursday, the third of July. A hot and muggy Independence Eve. Standing at the pulpit of the First Baptist Church in Forest, Ohio, guest preacher Ronnie Cheney (no relation) was winding up his sermon, calling upon the Lord to give the congregation "a sign," some inkling of his presence. No sooner had he spoken the challenge than a blast of blue lightning plunged through the church's steeple, ripped through the sound system, snaked up the microphone and enveloped Cheney in a cloak of cold fire. Later on, outside the church, as firefighters doused the flames, Cheney described the incident as: "Awesome! Just awesome!" The traveling preacher, giddy over the implications and heedless of the destruction caused by his answered prayer, had no way of knowing his brush with Jungian synchronicity would be the spark that ignited a short and ongoing season of miracles. The next day… July 4, 2003. Independence Day. The nation's two-hundred and twenty-sixth birthday. In Philadelphia, a celebration is taking place as Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is on hand to help inaugurate the National Constitution Center. As she asks the gathered celebrants to pull the ribbons that will reveal the building's façade, a huge chunk of frame is loosened and comes thisclose to hammering O'Connor's skull down into her ribcage. A not-so-subtle reminder that there is something out there - a spirit, an ideal - that hasn't forgotten the brutal assault she and her four Supreme Court cohorts dealt the Constitution in December of the year 2000? Who can say? Meanwhile, that same Independence Day morning, at Washington's National Zoo, the mangled, bloody carcass of a formerly majestic, 21-year-old bald eagle was discovered. A shredded lump amid the weeds and dirt of its aviary, the puncture wounds and lacerations indicated some kind of predator had felled the iconic raptor, though no other animal was found in the enclosure. The eagle is only the most recent in a long line of mysterious animal deaths at the zoo, and it's the first to garner national attention. The near-perfect metaphorical aspects are simply too resonant to ignore. And on it goes. In Africa, as Preznit Dubya touches down for his first state tour of that plague and war-ridden continent, a plane in Sudan ploughs into the ground, killing all on board… except one. A two-year-old toddler survives what 115 other unfortunates do not. What kind of future awaits this unbreakable wonder-child? And what part - if any - will he play in this future? Back home, in a cruel twist of fate (?), a Marine who took part in PFC Jessica Lynch's highly suspect "rescue" from an Iraqi hospital dies in car crash on his first weekend home from the burning sands of Iraq. His name is Josh Daniel Speer, and yer old pal Jerky thinks there are some points that we should keep in mind about this incident. First: the rescue debacle - with its contraflicting tales of derring-do and its ever-shifting details - has proven to be highly controversial, and somewhat of an embarrassment to the USG. Second: Jessica Lynch, herself, is still being kept incommunicado, isolated in a military hospital, away from even the most delicate of media (something that should be freaking people out right about now, but isn't, for some reason). And, finally, Speer would have had intimate, first-hand knowledge of what really happened that night. The fact that he died within days of returning home is certainly not a smoking gun, but in this age of blighted synchrony, it certainly is fishy, nonetheless. In Singapore, two Iranian sisters, conjoined at the skull, risked all in an operation that captured the world's imagination. They could no longer stand to live with each other, but they couldn't survive when separated. The supreme irony, they didn't even know they shared too much to live without each other. And yet, their dream of a better life brought the world together, first in hope, and then in sorrow. From billionaire captains of industry to naked tribesmen in the equatorial rainforests of South America, there is a universal respect all humans have for the valiant struggle, and the universal sorrow we all have when the fight ends in defeat. More about this age of miracles in tomorrow's edition of the Daily Dirt. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 9 On this day in the year 1980, seven people are crushed to death in Brazil as a wave of human cattle stampedes into a huge outdoor stadium to catch a glimpse of that shimmering, spiritual pop-star: The Pope! It was the last time beer was allowed to be sold in the stands during a Papal visit in that country. On this day in 1944, the world's largest circus tent catches fire at Ringling Brother's Barnum & Bailey Circus in Hartford, Connecticut. 168 people perish in the blaze. Think it might have had something to do with the fact that they'd waterproofed a square mile of canvas using 1800 pounds of paraffin wax and 6000 gallons of gasoline? Nah… On this day in 1956, Dick Clark makes his first appearance as host of American Bandstand. Today, Clark maintains his health and appearance by bathing in the blood of freshly-slaughtered virgin girls imported from former Eastern Bloc countries. It ain't cheap, but the results are out of this world! On this day in 1986, Attorney General Edwin Meese's "Commission on Pornography" is released. Meese was only one or two shades less of a psychopath than our current AG, John "Crisco Boy" Ashcroft, and his report tried to establish a link between porn and sex crimes. Then, in the 1990s, something interesting happened. With the total proliferation of home video and the rise of the Internet, hard-core pornography became more widespread and readily available than ever… while sex crime rates dropped precipitously. HA! Take THAT, you sanctimonious, Christoholic buffoon!

THEY SAID IT! "He does not eat small children. He couldn't even eat a cat. He could eat a kitten, but not a cat." - Gloucester Rhode Island resident Jeffrey Fine insists people shouldn't be worried about "Slick," his recently-escaped, 14-foot-long pet Burmese python. *** *** *** "We put him on the board and he spent three years. Came to all the meetings. Told a lot of jokes. Not that many clean ones. And after a while I kind of said to him, after about three years - you know, I'm not sure this is really for you. Maybe you should do something else. Because I don't think you're adding that much value to the board. You don't know that much about the company. He said, well I think I'm getting out of this business anyway. And I don't really like it that much. So I'm probably going to resign from the board. And I said, thanks - didn't think I'd ever see him again. His name is George W. Bush. He became President of the United States. So you know if you said to me, name 25 million people who would maybe be President of the United States, he wouldn't have been in that category." - Carlyle Group co-founder David Rubenstein probably didn't realize he was being recorded when he blurted out the above information during a lecture to the Los Angeles County Employees Retirement Association. Dude had better stay away from small planes for the forseeable future.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Em Louis... One day a humped-back man was on his way home and he took a short cut through a graveyard. He passed an open grave and to his surprise Satan jumps out and says" give me your money!" The man replies, " I have no money." Satan says" give me your jewels!" The man replies "I have no jewels." "Well what do you have?" Satan asks. "All I have," the man says, " is this hump on my back!" "Give me that" Satan screams, and takes the hump off the mans back and the man straightens up and walked away cured. When he got home he told his friend, who had a pretty bad limp, about his experience with the devil. That next night his friend with the limp was walking home and took that same short cut through the cemetery and came across that open grave, and just like before Satan jumps out."Give me your money!" "I have no money" the man says. "Give me your jewels!" Satan screams. "I have no jewels" the man simply replies. "Well what do you have? Satan asks. "All I have," the man answers, feeling pretty lucky" Is this limp." "Oh," says Satan "Well, here's a hump to go with it!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Roy McFaul for sending in today's second joke. Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other, "It sure is nice out tonight!" To which the other replies "Yeah, but you better put it back in your pants, cuz here comes a policeman!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Gluna sent in this racist joke which has no place in a family-oriented newsletter. Thankfully, that doesn't describe the mandate of the Daily Dirt! a woman walks into a bar and says... i'll fuck the shit out of the man that has the biggest cock in this bar, and if you are good i'll bring my girlfriend next time. so one by one evryone stars to pull their cock out to see if she will take him home. finally after everyone is done showing what they have, a black dude wins her emotions. they get home ,have a couple of drinks.... finally she gets off the couch and tells him tie me up, tie me up, so the black dude ties her up in the bed. she then yells at him and tells him ok you big cock bastard do what you do best..... so he stole the tv set!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, I see your point of view, that, essentially, downloading music without the artist’s permission in "wrong." However, I feel you have overlooked something. How many people, before the Internet craze, used to copy CD’s on to cassettes and give them to their friends? That’s essentially the same act as downloading music; you’re getting it for free, without the artist’s permission, and the artist isn’t getting and revenue from it. I wonder would you consider this to be ‘wrong’, as you do with file sharing? How do you feel about recording movies off the TV onto blank video cassettes? By doing that, you’re screwing the movie maker’s out of revenue, as you’re avoiding buying film on video or DVD. I guess my point is, although downloading music can legitimately be considered wrong, it’s no different to many other forms of media sharing that have been going on much longer. It seems the record companies want to find a scapegoat to blame their failure on, and they’ve found one that’ll do just nicely. Signed: YOP Randy Phoenix Sorry, Randy, but videotaping movies on TV or copying a CD to tape and giving it to a friend do NOT constitute "essentially the same thing" as ripping a CD and making it available on an Internet file-sharing network, where literally MILLIONS of people (people, mind you, who can afford computers and internet service, and thus are most capable of paying for the intellectual products/property they consume) can download it for free. It doesn't even come CLOSE to being "essentially the same thing." Such behavior is many orders of magnitude more impactful on the music industry than making a tape or audio file for yourself, or even for a (single, solitary) friend. *** **** *** Dear Jerky; I quit downloading music a long time ago and I'm glad that I did. Your last line of today's dirt summed it all up: "Have fun in court!" Man, FUCK court. Let all of those napster nerds spend some time getting anally raped in prison and see how much they like their tunes. You hit the nail on the head MOPJ. I hope they all know a good lawyer! Yer old pal; Phil How proud your parents must be! As for myself, I just can't stop downloading old progressive rock tunes and new(ish) hip-hop videos. And I fuckin' HATE hip-hop! I know it's wrong, but Godzilla help me, I can't fuckin' stop myself!!! *** **** *** You fucking turd. I can't believe you're against file sharing. But then again, should have seen it coming. After all, you are a person who makes his living from "intellectual property". Seems that you've taken an outright "It's their property so you need their permission" stance. A typical self interest motivated position to take. Intellectual property has been grossly overvalued by the "free market". We need artists to wake up from their fat easy money fucking slumber and go out and do live music to make a living. CDs should be a supplement to their income. Post Justice for All Metallica-listening capitalsit fucking bitch. Signed: Khabs "Capitalist fucking bitch"? "Typical self interest motivated position"? "Artists" making "fat easy money" to which they aren't entitled, according to you? Wow. I didn't know stupidity came in an Extra Strength variety. You really need to read today's Soapbox, boy.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LAST WORD ON THIS FILE-SHARING IMBROGLIO! Care of: E.p. Hunter Jerks... Ever made a mixed tape to get into a woman's pants? Ever been given a mixed tape to get you to show interest in getting into a woman's pants? Maybe you have, maybe you haven't but a fucking shitload of people have and it was copyright infringement plain and simple. But it wasn't as bad as "file sharing" (note the word "sharing" sounds so morally correct and right out of the rules I learned in kindergarten). Bumbling-man "Jack Meoff" (get an original nom de plume fella) talks about artists getting very little in royalties per CD sale and that is true when it is compared to the money the record companies get, but these songs, piss poor or rockin good tunes, represent the artist's freakin livelihood. They created the fucking tunes and the market decides how much that effort is worth. Maybe file sharing is a sign that the cost of buying a CD is set too high by the record industry. Maybe if CD's were priced decently, stealing the music would be less of a valuable option. But to all those out there who file share, make no bones about it, you are stealing. You are stealing in the exact same way as a shoplifter or a burglar steals. You are taking someone else's possessions without their permission and without compensation. Maybe you feel a bit like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich musicians and music companies and giving to the poor but the rich musicians and music companies are not the tyrannical Prince John and Robin Hood didn't keep the money. File Sharing, like any form of stealing, hurts our whole society. It means that I must pay more for CD's because the record companies have to charge more for "shrinkage." It is the same thing at the local store where I have to essentially cover the fact that other people are criminals. You know, I would be all right with theft if the person perpetrating the crime had a good reason for it. For example, if your kids ate the music you were stealing and they would otherwise starve. I would even have some sympathy if you were stealing because of a strong disbelief in the western ideology of "property". Of course, if you are stealing for ideological reasons then I would expect you to steal indiscriminately from everywhere and not just over the net where your chances of being caught are almost nothing (you pussy). I would also expect that you wouldn't mind if people stole from you since, in your world, there would be no such thing as ownership. Theft is just wrong Mr. Meoff, and if you don't think you are "stealing" then how about you work for free for a few weeks with each new McJob you take so that the company doesn't have to pay for your services without knowing what they are getting. By your mis-guided and self-centred logic, you would actually get more paid work out of the deal. God you are a moron with your self-righteous and hypocritical justifications that apply to "them" and not to you. No matter how bad the band is, someone worked fucking hard to get them on the radio and you and your amoral kind are making that hard work worthless on the basis of your own greed and desire for self-satisfaction. If you committed yourself to something for long enough to record or produce music, you would not be so quick to say that all is fair in the land of file sharing. You make me sick and I am not just saying that because I have never made a mixed tape to show someone I cared about the colour of her panties. I am saying it because since I was a teenager I have learned that living in a society (any society) means respecting the boundaries of others. Hell, at least with a mixed tape I can take credit for the work that went into the overall composition. What do you get to take credit for other than relaxing while listening freely to the efforts that other people obviously wasted upon you while the rest of us pay the price. Freeloader. Thief. Wow, that feels better. Do with it what you will Jerky. - E.p. Hunter [Frankly, Ernesto, the freeloading and thievery don't bother me so much - after all, I've got hundreds of files availaible on my computer via Kazaa, myself - it's the bullshit self-justifications, the self-righteous rationalizations, and the shrieking vibe of divine adolescent entitlement that chaps my nadsack. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com