TOYS WE'D LIKE TO SEE (BUT PROBABLY NEVER WILL) *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #315: Sometimes, you just gotta run filler. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 25 On this day in 1993, Sears announces it will no longer be producing its popular yearly catalog, after 97 years in print. Exactly one year later, on this day in 1994, Michael Jackson settles a multi-million dollar civil suit filed by a 13-year old boy who accused the former King of Pop of molesting him. Whether Jackson was driven over the sexual edge because he no longer had access to his annual dose of Sears catalog boy's underwear pages, C'thulhu only knows. On this day in 1955, scientists at Columbia University develop an atomic clock that is accurate to within one second every 300 years! There is one drawback, however. If anybody ever hits the snooze button, millions will die. On this day in 1988, the love affair between the Bush Crime Family and CBS News begins in earnest when Dan Rather grills then-Vice President (and presidential candidate) George Herbert Poppy Walker Bush about the elder reptile's role in the Iran-Contra affair. You can read a transcript of the infamous incident here. While you're reading it, keep in mind that it's posted on a pro-Bush website, and that they actually believe it makes Dan Rather look bad. Fuckin' hilarious!

THEY SAID IT! "I've been contacted three or four different times. I have received information that has been valuable in my life from those people, and they have used me. I'm gonna sound like a complete nut here, but they have used me in an experimental fashion. The easiest way to put it is that they downloaded my brain information. ... I don't know who they are, but I've narrowed them down to a people called the Nine, who are called that because they're from the Ninth Dimension." - Rocker Sammy Hagar has lost his fucking mind. *** **** *** "Why did I cry? I cried because it was so clear that Diebold had been lying. I cried because there was proof, before my very eyes, that these machines were every bit as bad as we all had feared. ... More than that, that Diebold planned to have a voting system that could alter results. And I cried because it suddenly hit me, like a Mack truck, that this was proof positive that our democracy is and has been, as we have all feared, truly at the mercy of unscrupulous vendors who are producing electronic voting machines that can change election results without detection." - Susan Pynchon was one of ten people present at the "hack" of the Leon County, Florida voting system, which took place on Tuesday, December 13, 2005 around 4:30 in the afternoon at the county elections warehouse. You can read her account of that traumatic experience here.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by KC! A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. That was a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something! Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer. Remembered everybody's birthdays. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything! Me? I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks-out." "Wow! No wonder you remember him." said the passenger. "Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger. "After he died, I married his wife." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Benji for sending in today's second joke. A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man says his IQ is 150, and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, string theory and nanotechnology. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, cars, and the latest movies. Impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says, real slowly: "So.... gonna vote for the Republicans again next election?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andrea F. Some twenty years ago , two Germans were very unhappy about the existing political situation in their Fatherland and were discussing how possibly to change it. The first one said: "Ah, if our Fuehrer were still here!" The second one promptly answered: "But I know that Hitler is alive, he is living in a small village near the Austrian border: we could go there and convince him to come back!" After debating on the opportunity to call back such an old man for taking care of their beloved Fatherland, they decided to go and meet him. They faced a little guy with white hair, and with still vivid black eyes. But when they started talking him into coming back, old Adolf was not willing to, claiming that he was tired of everything, that he was not so strong any more etc. etc. After a long, trying from the two men, Hitler eventually changed his mind: "Gut, I'll come back but on one condition: This time, no more Mister Nice Guy!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A GUN FOR ALL SEASONS care of: R.W.B. Dear Jerky, I finally came up with a proper analogy for the way I am feeling. I feel as if I have been transported back in time after suffering a head injury, TV style. I am back in 1930's Germany. As years go by I have a growing feeling of unease as I see certain news stories unfold, certain world event, certain people rise to power. This builds to a crescendo until some key event when I recognize Shicklegrubber for who he is, regain my memory and am horrified at all the things I should have done to prepare, actions I could have taken to prevent. Queue Rod Serling to walk in wearing a dark suit, smoking and making comments about those not remembering history being doomed to repeat it. You know what I mean? Anyway, I have been in alternating between despair, fear for the future for my niece and nephews, and just ultra paranoia as I get more information from underground "conspiracy" type sources and mainstream media. All the neocon groups are compiling lists. Liberal Professors. What did you search for last week on Yahoo, AOL or MSN? Who did you talk to? Watermarks on every page I print to identify where it came from. Hey, John Conyers is in the fucking BASEMENT having hearings no one cares about. I don't make many plans for my future as I seriously doubt I have much of one. After 3 bouts with three different forms of cancer, (beat them), my thyroid going dead from the radiation causing me to gain 50 lbs, a major heart attack and bypass surgery I am just about done. No physical stamina left and I just keep waiting for another shot to be fired. I can't dodge them all. Can't drink anymore, the meds I am on make me feel like shit all the time and make my dick useless unless I want to beg some boner pills from the Dr and make a fucking date with myself. Stopped biting my nails. I still smoke a pack or less a day and they bitch at me for that. Whooo. This certainly is going in a different direction than I wanted or expected it to go. Sorry. You don't need to know any of this. I am sure you have troubles of your own. Let me try and get back on point. You have claimed more than once to have long arms. May I ask what your personal recommendation is for home defense? I have researched THAT for about a year and I have a really good idea of what I want. I'm leaning towards a Mossberg 590 A-1 (the reinforced military model) with an 18.5 inch barrel, heat shield, factory ghost sites, parkerized finish. After market I would add, home made light system (you can catch this clever little mod in the Tactical Forum at Shotgunworld.com. It turns an altered maglight into a tac light for about $20). I would also put in the SpecOps stock available from knoxx.com but I am waiting to see what they come out with at the end of February. Unbelievable videos at the site showing the stock absorbing 80 to 95% of the recoil. And maybe their sidewinder 10 round drum mod will come down in price as well. I am not a gun nut and don't own one and never fired a shotgun but as I said I have been researching this and reading and asking a lot of questions and you just start to pick up the lingo. Essentially I am looking for a home defense gun, first round can be a less than lethal beanbag round. But in my research it seems that a shotgun also offers the widest range of uses. Home defense, sure. Sight it properly and you can shoot effectively to about 100 yards. Good for long range hunting of deer if the food supply runs out and sniping to ward off the zombies when the food runs out. Put birdshot in it and you can have pigeons, whatever. Just seems to be the tool with the widest range of uses. In this research I happened upon another site that might be of interest to you. These folks are a wee bit crazy or deluded at times but if you separate the wheat from the chaff there DOES seem to be some good info. In a moment of lucidity one of them said that if they were prepared to defend their families from hoards of brain eating zombies they could pretty well ride out natural disasters, societal breakdown etc. It's the guys at Zombie Squad. That's all for now from my underground lair about 3 hours north of Big Dick Cheney's Underground lair. Thanks for listening. Cheers, R.W.B. [I am a shotgun fan, myself, for the versatility. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, I don't know if you caught it or not, but last night, I had been surfing through the channels and stopped on CSPAN when I saw the topic was electronic eavesdropping. The "guest of honor" was Michael Hayden, a General I believe. 37 year career man with much experience in the NSA. I believe he said he ran it for about 4 or 5 years. He laid out his speech and gave all the reasons as to what they are doing and why it is the right thing to do to protect us from terrorists. Then came the questions from the reporters. I have not lost faith in the 4th estate. They grilled that guy ruthlessly, and the first man to ask a question, Wayne Madsen. By the time they got to the reporter from Knight-Ridder, he was spitting while asking the General a question. These reporters were pissed. General Hayden was backed into more corners. He tried his best to maintain his cool when he could not give a straight answer and deferred to the Attorney Generals office on a number of occasions. My oh my was that good entertainment. I might have laughed more if it wasn't such a serious matter being discussed. I hope the shit hits the fan on this and splatters fecal matter all the way to the White House. The American people have a union to preserve. This needs to stop and now. When do the hearings start? YOP, Bob [I didn't see that, which makes me doubly happy to have read your report. Thanks! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; A company named Gilead nearly doubled this year with a big spike in Nov. 05 after the Monkey-boy scare speech. In 1999, it appears the stock was at around 3, and now its almost 60. It's good to be an insider, or at least to have some jerk president create instant wealth for you with a few words. Mark [Check this shit out. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, And just think of all of the super neat diseases that would never have made a comeback without the banning of DDT. Cheers, YOPMick [The Powers That Be simply figured out that biological agents are a more efficient way to manage the herd than chemical agents. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jey Herky; This woman won Ģ1.5 million (about $2.5 million) and didn't tell her family because she didn't want to change her lifestyle. Would you do that? Etna Fred [I would try, and fail. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, my old pal, a while back, a german tv station made a check on all toilets in the European Parliament, and in all cases but one, there was found cokaine on every horizontal blank suface... And thatīs the guys who tell us what to do! very reassuring, donīt you think? Your old pal Al Mulliman [At least we know they're doing their best to stay alert on the job. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The object of this game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try!! [I tried, and failed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao Jerkster, Being 77 going on 78, this brought a memory of the much vaunted Carol Burnet show, which I thought at the time was very funny. Now, however, I look back and remember that much of its humor was derived from picturing and mocking the older people like "grandma" and the other guy who used to mock the old man who struggled to walk. So this does not surprise me at all. I think Americans as a whole like to make fun of the misfortunes of others, including the old folks. Just wait until the Baby Boomers are in their 70s, maybe things will change. We'll get you yet! Etna Fred (PS - In Italy the older folks are revered as a source of experience) [Comedy requires a victim because human beings are evil shits. The target may shift over time, but there's always a target. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com