SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE! ATTENTION ALL AMBITIOUS MERCENARIES! One day after putting his foot in his mouth - and American troops in an even worse situation - by urging Iraqi resistance fighters to "bring it on," Preznit Dubya has put a $25 million price-tag on the head of former Iraqi head of state, Saddam Hussein. The bounty was announced by Secretary of State Colin Powell in Washington last week, where he explained: "We believe it is important to do anything we can to determine his whereabouts, whether he is alive or dead, in order to assist in stabilizing the situation and letting the people of Baghdad be absolutely sure he isn't coming back. This is just another tool to be used for that purpose." If, however, you're only just starting out in the mercenary game, and you think a big fish like Saddam might be a little bit out of your league for now, you can always go for the Evil One's sons - Uday and Qusay - either one of which will net you a cool fifteen million. And don't forget Osama Bin Laden (no matter how much Dubya and crew wish you would)! The $25 million bounty on HIS head - the one which Defense Secretary Donald "Please God let him be fired soon" Rumsfeld said would cause Afghans to come "crawling through those tunnels and caves" to rat out the desert rat - remains unclaimed. *** **** *** If you care about your country, you will watch this awesome documentary about the infinitely sinister war-profiteers of the Carlyle Group, you will absorb the information therein, and you will help spread the word. Spread the link around. Or, if you can, save it to your hard-drive, burn it onto CDs, and hand them out to your friends and neighbors. It switches from Dutch to English with Dutch subtitles at the one minute-forty secoind mark, so be patient. Maybe the Incredible Hulk should change his catch-phrase to: "You wouldn't like me when I'm naked." At least, that's probably what 6-year-old Leah Lowland of Biggin Hill, England (I swear I didn't make that up) was thinking when she discovered that the trademark purple pants on the Hulk doll she'd won at a local fair were concealing more than the usual anatomically-incorrect patch of smoothness which usually adorns dolls of this type. Whatever her reasons for taking its pants off, Leah's Hulk doll turned out to have a mean, green penis! Leah's mom Kim was suitably impressed. "Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is. And it’s definitely not an extra piece of material left on by mistake." But she's also not impressed. "It sounds funny, but kids should not be exposed to this kind of thing. It should be taken off the shelves." Indeed. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 8 On this day in 1872, a man by the name of John Blondel takes out a patent on the donut-cutter, thereby ushering in a bold new era of morbidly obese police officers. On this day in 1896, presidential hopeful William Jennings Bryan gives his infamous "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic national convention. It's still an incredibly powerful piece of oratory. Read it here. On this day in the year 1990, just past twelve-thirty in the afternoon, all the numbers in the standardized Western calendar and time code fall into absolute numeric sequence… or, in poker terms, a "straight." Here's how it works: 12:34:56, 7/8/90 equals 1234567890! Pretty fuckin' cool, no? On this day in 1932, the Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches a Depression era low-point of… 41!!! Ouchy.

THEY SAID IT! "Oh, you're one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it." - With the above words, proudly fascist homophobic radio shock-joke Michael Weiner (whose nom-de-radio is Michael "Savage") got himself fired from MSNBC, which never should have given this piece of sub-human snake-piss a TV show in the FIRST fucking place. *** *** *** "Dennis Miller no longer has an agent. He now employs a pimp." - Political satirist Barry Crimmins - who used to write jokes for Dennis Miller back when he was funny - hilariously severs ties with his former employer/friend in this sad and insightful essay.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Andrew... Q: What's Old, Wrinkled, and Smells of Ginger? A: Fred Astair's Face! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal GWS for sending in today's second joke. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY "Boooo" to my good pal Andy S., who sent in this shitty joke for us to gag on. A business man was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golf game is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well, there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, For those who don't or can't see what the current Administration is doing to them, perhaps they should be reminded of the story from WWII, and I have to admit was/is racist, but does prove a point. A German soldier and an American soldier surprised each other suddenly face-to-face and only a foot apart. The German shot and missed. The American stated this fact. Then he, the American made a whipping motion with his cut-throat razor. When the German said that he had missed, the American told him to then try to shake his head. Perhaps all those who have been deluded will have to wait until they try to live in the environment that has been forced on us. Signed: ChasMur Chas; I'm not sure what it is you were trying to say, exactly, but I do know you'd make a good preacher, because your story just about scared the Hell out of me. *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Another piece of perfect placement. The PETA thing right above the "feedback link." I couldn't resist. As you probably know, Peta is currently going after Yum Foods (owners of KFC and numerous other great places to munch at) for their despicable treatment of chickens. I, for one, have already contacted both parties and promised KFC that I would double my own use of their wonderful product. And those fuck heads at PETA assuring them that I find them as reprehensible as ever. Damn, where'd I put those links? No matter, I'm sure you have them handy and I think it would be a great thing if all the Dirt Heads out there would do the right thing and contact these people and or "Pig out with the Colonel." On a lighter note. I noticed on a Google search that listed right after These PETA ass holes you'll find People Eating Tasty Animals. A group far more to my liking. Signed: YOPMick Way to follow your bliss, Mick! Personally, KFC's sopping-with-grease fare makes yer old pal Jerky's guts churn, afterwhich he usually spends the next two days squirting a high-pressure broth of liquid feces from his nether-region, leaving a shiny ring of scum at his toilet bowl's waterline. But maybe that's just me. *** **** *** Jerky, You didn't happen to live in Ft. Worth, Texas at one point in time did you? I've been a subscriber to your rag now for almost two years, and you have a striking resemblance, in prose, point-of-view, and even the way you look (assuming your King of Nepal pick is you) to a guy I knew there back in the sixth grade. The coincidence would be amazing, but it IS a small world after all... so no harm in asking, right? Keep up the good word! Signed: Ryan S. Yer old pal Jerky has never so much as set foot in Fort Worth, Ryan, but thanks for the question. As for your old school chum who bears a passing resemblance to me... well, if you ever see him again, please offer the poor bastard my most sincerest of sympathies.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WEAK RATIONALIZATIONS FOR FILE-SHARING! Care of: Jack Mehoff Hiya Jerky, me old pal! I notice that you have stated you find everyones arguments for downloading songs for free without the artist's permission to date lacking in justification. Right then me old mucker, here's a few reasons why I do it: Firstly, I don't listen to the radio. Radio sucks. Every fucking day, every fucking channel it doesn't matter who you listen to it's like a couple of CDs in an auto changer set to random. I could do better than that with my meagre CD collection! I was driving around a couple of weeks ago and only had one tape in the car so I gave radio another try, so I'm listening to this radio station and realised that in the 2 hours I was driving to my destination they had played just 90 minutes music. This wouldn't seem so bad, but on the drive back I got the same 90 minutes. Next day there was only 1 song not played the day before. Fuck it, a single cassette of my own was better than that crap! So, if I want to find out if a CD is worth buying should I: a) Listen to days and days of the same old shit on the radio until something comes up I like (and hope my brain hasn't been damaged in the process) b) Just buy every CD that comes out, hoping I can take back the ones I don't like (ha ha, yeah right!) c) Download an mp3, and if it's good enough I'll buy the CD or see them live. Secondly, lot's of the songs I download I already have. Why don't I just turn them into MP3s myself you ask? Because they're on LP. I don't see why I should have to pay for a song twice! Lots of the music I have the artist gets fuck all in the way of royalties from new sales anyway, you do know the average artist gets less per sale of a CD than the asshole exec who's complaining about file sharing 'on the bands behalf' right? Right? Thirdly, some of these tracks are not even available to buy! I don't just mean the CD's are discontinued, I mean they may never have been available at all! They're tracks from movies whose soundtracks/scores were never released, tracks from trailers and TV shows etc. Somehow someone has got these onto the net and so we get access to them at last (yet still record companies will complain about it). Lastly, MP3 sharing has (in the collective experience of myself and everyone I know who has done it) BOOSTED CD sales, not dropped them! And the same principle applies to movies we have downloaded, too. Between us we are all so collectively pissed off about the poor quality 'bands' and rip off plagiarised and badly covered songs out there that there is no way in hell we are going to go and buy a CD or see a band 'on spec'! There are bands we had never heard of that we find out about through file sharing, who we have then gone to see and/or bought their disks. The real reason all these execs in the music and film industry are scared of file sharing is not because those who take part in it will stop buying, but because no matter how much they polish their turds with advertising and bought and paid for reviews - if we have the chance to find out what it smells like first we'll know if it stinks! Cheers YOP Jack MeHoff [Your justifications and rationalizations still fall flat, I'm afraid. They all essentially boil down to: "But I WANNA!!!" And considering the fact that, despite your obvious enthusiasm for media file sharing, you admit to having a "meager" CD collection, your contention that this practice BOOSTS music sales seems pretty ridiculous and self-contradictory. Have fun in court! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com